It’s About The Right Kind of Sex

Starting off a blog is not easy for a newbie, especially when the aforementioned blog is the very first blog you’ve ever written. And it’s about sex.  Just to be clear, I’m being thrust into this with no prior experience, so please be nice.  Though, I suppose I’m lucky in that sense, since sex is my absolute favorite topic. I’ve been asking myself lately just how important sex is in a long term relationship.

But sex with emotions, that….that gets complicated.  But that’s a whole other topic I will touch on shortly.

I’m a tad bit of an anomaly. For me, stringless sex is easiest for me to come to orgasm, when it’s with someone who knows my kinks. But sex with emotions, that….that gets complicated. But that’s a whole other topic I will touch on shortly. Let’s start with sex in relationships. I’m not even talking intimacy, because yes, the two go together, but simultaneously do not. Not for me, anyways. I can easily have intimacy without sex, and sex without intimacy. It’s the combining of the two that has seemed to prove difficult. Love is a curious thing. Say you find someone perfect for you in every single way, every single way but one. This person makes you laugh until you cry, just the smell of them makes your muscles relax, and they feel like home. Your communication is great, your families love each other, and you cannot imagine the future with anyone else. Everything is perfect in its imperfections, except in one aspect. Sex. Whether it’s because of lack of experience or you’re both subby or dommy or one is kinky as all hell and one is as vanilla as they come. What do you do then? 
 
A great friend of mine said some very wise words on the topic. “Sex, when it’s working, is 5-10% of a relationship. Sex, when it’s not, is 90%.” And how true that is, I’ve discovered. For me, sex is completely separate from emotion. That’s when I enjoy it the most. Though, I will tell you, this is not a healthy way to be and not how I want to be. Now, this is where sex and intimacy together comes into play. There are so many reasons why my sex problems are what they are. Fear of commitment, daddy issues, maybe I’m just not build for monogamy. Insecurities, weight gain on either part, problems going on in other aspects of my life. So many things can play a part. But how do you go about finding out which one it is and the answer to that problem, especially without hurting people you love? So many of those I think play into it, it’s a strange mishmash of complex, built in issues. Now, I’ve had many many friends with benefits who scratch all of my itches. The kink is right, their touch gets my blood boiling. But, what’s missing is reciprocated emotion. Love, in a romantic sense.
 
I’ve had relationships where there is deep, truer than true love, unconditional. But what’s missing is my kinky itches being scratched. I’ve yet, in my short years, been able to find someone that both scratches that itch to be Dominated, to be kinky, to be slutty, and can still love me in a romantic sense, whom I feel that love for. Now this difficulty has broken a few of my relationships, and my heart a handful of times. It seems when someone is reciprocating, that’s when the sex problems pop up. Now, exploring things you’re curious about is something I’d strongly recommend, there is so much out there to try and so much of it is fantastic. I’ve discovered, just in the short few years of being sex positive and explorative, so many things that I never thought I’d be into. I stepped away from a wonderful, adoring, caring man to explore my kinks, and it was a frightening and fascinating experience. Open communication is a huge asset, and in my books, a necessity. If you can’t openly, freely talk about everything and anything, there will be problems down the road. Acceptance of the other persons changing and growing curiosities is another. Especially if you’re a younger couple, or someone who’s not had much experience and is just starting out. We, as humans, are constantly growing and evolving. Fluctuating. If you are hoping that the person you’re with right now will never change, I’m sorry to burst your bubble. They are going to, it’s a guarantee.
 
Love, and a healthy relationship, is about falling in love with the person you’re with, over and over again as they change. Growing together, changing together. Giving each other room to find out who THEY are, and in turn, who you are, but making sure they know that you won’t walk away. Letting them know they’re safe to explore who they are. Staying strong and connected as you travel down the path of the unknown. My experience with the navigation however, when it comes to sex, is a road I’m currently finding my way down. Stay tuned as I trudge the road of uncomfortable sex talk with the man I love more than anything in the world. The beautiful thing about love, the kind of love where you just….you know, deep down, this is your forever, is that even after you’ve been torn apart, somehow you can find your way back to them a different person. An older, more mature person who knows what you want and can articulate it in a way you couldn’t before. And the person you’ve found your way back to may be changed as well, grown up, more understanding, and somehow you find a way to compromise what you couldn’t before. One being more of a vanilla, monogamous type, the other being a kinky little bitch with a flare for scandalous sex, you can still find a middle ground that works for you both. It won’t be easy, the territory comes with built in hurt and boundaries being crossed, and sometimes you need to take a step back and have faith that you’ll find each other again.
 
Rules and regulations you set down in the beginning may not work out a few months or years into it, or maybe you’ll find out whatever it is you’re trying isn’t something you want at all. Stepping out of your comfort zone is an absolutely terrifying experience, no matter what extreme you’re trying out. Full blown open relationships, or something as simple (To me) as anal. It’s all about trust, communication, and allowing the other to feel safe enough to be who they are. Selflessness has to be the most important component of any healthy relationship I’ve ever seen. So, tonight, sit down with your partner, have a few glasses of wine (if you drink) and start spilling your guts about your fantasies. Jealousy may come into play if the fantasies involve other people. Just remember, we are all human, and no one on the face of the planet is perfect, but remember, your partner thinks you are. You are the one they’re with for a reason; the desire to bring someone else in does not mean they love you any less. If anything, it means they love you more than you know.